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Author Topic: The Humor Thread  (Read 14127 times)

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Offline Joom

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The Humor Thread
« on: August 24, 2008, 03:21:33 PM »
A gorilla walks into a bar one day, sits down, and orders a martini.

The bartender is amazed, but makes the martini and hands it to the gorilla.  The gorilla hands him a $20 bill.  The bartender decides to see just how smart the gorilla really is and only gives him back a dollar in change.

The gorilla sits there drinking his martini for a while, and finally the bartender can't stand it anymore.  He says "So, you know we don't get many gorillas in here."

Gorilla says "I'm not surprised at nineteen bucks a pop for a martini."
A computer once beat me at chess - but as it turns out it was no match for me at kickboxing... ;)

Offline BikerBabe

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Re: Gorilla walks into a bar...
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2008, 04:31:59 AM »
 ;D


A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, the horse drinks it and leaves.  A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what was that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anybody."
"Tomorrow never yet on any human being rose or set."
-- William Marsden

Offline Joom

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Re: Gorilla walks into a bar...
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2008, 09:43:19 AM »
;D

A guy walks into a bar and sits a little tiny piano on the bar.  The he pulls a little man out of his pocket who sits down and starts playing the piano.  The bartender say "That's the coolest thing I've ever seen, where did you get it?"

The man says "There's a genie down on the corner granting wishes, he'll give you anything you want."

Bartender runs out, is gone for a while, and about an hour later comes walking back through the door followed by a huge number of ducks.  He says "The damn genie must be deaf, I asked for a million 'bucks'."

The man says "I know, did you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
A computer once beat me at chess - but as it turns out it was no match for me at kickboxing... ;)

Offline BikerBabe

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Re: Gorilla walks into a bar...
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2008, 01:07:32 PM »
Classic.  :D


A drunk staggers out of a bar and bumps into two priests.  He says, "I'm Jesus Christ."  The first priest says, "No, son, you are not."  So the drunk says it to the second priest, the second priest replies, "No, son, you are not."  The drunk snorts, "Look, I can prove it!"  He walks back into the bar along with the two priests.  The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again!?"
"Tomorrow never yet on any human being rose or set."
-- William Marsden

Offline Joom

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Re: Gorilla walks into a bar...
« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2008, 01:50:58 PM »
:D  Oh, okay, we're going for oldies huh?


Guy staggers to the other end of the bar where the bartender stands and says:

"Ya know, I'll bet you $500 I can stand on this bar, you can put a shot glass on the floor, and from there I can pee in it and fill it to the top without spilling a drop anywhere."

Bartender says "Go sit back down, you're drunk."

Guy says "I'm serious, I'll bet you $500."

Bartender thinks about it and figures $500 is $500, so he agrees.  He puts a shot glass on the floor, the guy climbs up on the bar, and pees everywhere.  In the glass, on the bar, on the floor, and even on the bartenders head.  Then he climbs down.  The bartender laughs hard and holds his hand out for the money.  When he quits laughing he says "Man, you're an idiot for making that bet."

The guy says "Could be, but I just bet the guy at the other end of the bar $2,000 I could piss on your head and make you laugh."
A computer once beat me at chess - but as it turns out it was no match for me at kickboxing... ;)

Offline BikerBabe

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Re: Gorilla walks into a bar...
« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2008, 02:04:13 PM »
You tell me, I haven't been telling many of these.  ;)


Oh, and, ewww!  :o

Someone else's turn, perhaps?  ;D
"Tomorrow never yet on any human being rose or set."
-- William Marsden

Offline Joom

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Re: Gorilla walks into a bar...
« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2008, 04:24:33 PM »
Probably should be. :)

Or maybe better to just start a new one...
A computer once beat me at chess - but as it turns out it was no match for me at kickboxing... ;)

Offline BikerBabe

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Re: Gorilla walks into a bar...
« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2008, 03:51:09 AM »
Just wrote this one...  ;D  Suitable for musical people, and currently our little gang here...



Four guys and a girl walks into a bar.  The bartender can immediately see two things, being a keen judge of character.  One, they are trouble.  Two, they are musicians and not the best either.

The girls put a hundred on the bar and the first guy says, "We'll buy everyone in here a round!  Give them all a fill!"

The local patrons all cheer at this, reaching a crescendo.

"Not here you won't," the bartender says and pushes the hundred back towards the girl.

The local patrons all mutters sotto voce.

"Why not?" the second guy asks, feeling the dynamics being way off.

"Because you four guys strike a bad chord in me!  You, you know only discord, see, and you, oh, you look way too high strung and about to snap like a string, while you, yeah you, you are so off the beat it hurts my head!  Finally, you, oh boy, you're the one arranging and orchestrating the whole thing," the bartender replies, pointing to the four guys in turn.

"But, what about the girl?" the third guy asks in a largo voice, probably not wanting her to feel left out.

"Ha, are you kidding me!?  With that false note she hit me with?  Get out of here, and take your contraband with you!  Presto!" the bartender scolds.

"Whoa, that sounds grave!" the fourth guy says.

Refraining from a da capo as they realise that they can not bridge this maestro of the tap, the quintet turns around to leave, the girl looking at the bartender as she picks up the refused hundred and says one word.

"Fine".
"Tomorrow never yet on any human being rose or set."
-- William Marsden

Offline Schprocket

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So not even computer-related...
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2009, 10:09:04 PM »
... although that's because I'm thinking of the PS3 version ::)

Any first-person shooter player who's used comms will relate this this video, particularly the COD4 dudes/dudettes... in fact, all it's missing are sound-effects of the channel-spamming sad-sacks who burp, swear, and bitch about everybody else on their team...

Language warning if you have sensitive ears nearby!!!

« Last Edit: February 21, 2009, 10:14:51 PM by Schprocket »
...they discovered only a small asteroid inhabited by a solitary old man who claimed repeatedly that nothing was true, though he was later discovered to be lying.

Offline frankenxtein

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The Humor Thread
« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2011, 07:30:36 AM »
I must admit....I can't brain  :-\ much lately although I have done a couple idea captures which I'll post  8)  . This guy caught my ear.   
Constantly tweaking everything and then nothing.

Offline Joom

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Well, I had to look...
« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2011, 11:51:27 PM »
I check in at the KAE forums a few times a day, but tonight I finally had to give up and check them out.  Ugg Boots are really ugly boots.

This isn't really a joke post, or funny, but I thought it was pretty humorous that all those spam posts are advertising something so......Ugggggly... :P
A computer once beat me at chess - but as it turns out it was no match for me at kickboxing... ;)


Offline agradeleous

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Re: Well, I had to look...
« Reply #12 on: December 13, 2011, 10:13:32 AM »
HA ! I am proud to say I have not seen them ! the boots that is ! the people behind the spam I bet are good lookers ! Bwahahahahahaha !

Offline Smurf

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Re: Well, I had to look...
« Reply #13 on: December 13, 2011, 12:58:14 PM »
Shame on you Joom! Don't ya know that now that you have clicked on the ad, you will start getting 100 a day from them?! They track you ya know...and make you buy their stuff!  :o  :P  8)
Question,

Offline Joom

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Re: Well, I had to look...
« Reply #14 on: December 13, 2011, 01:45:26 PM »
Didn't click on the ad, just did a Google search for Ugg Boots and checked a couple of the better known online stores where they showed up.  I never click links. :P

I do see why they have to spam places to try to get people to buy them, though.  Wearing us down till we cave... 8)
A computer once beat me at chess - but as it turns out it was no match for me at kickboxing... ;)

Offline Smurf

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Re: Well, I had to look...
« Reply #15 on: December 13, 2011, 05:53:26 PM »
 :P 8)
Question,

Offline Smurf

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Horrible Logos...bet he's rich!!!
« Reply #16 on: December 16, 2011, 01:47:49 AM »
How do people come up with This Stuff??  :o  :P  8)
Question,

Offline Joom

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Re: Horrible Logos...bet he's rich!!!
« Reply #17 on: December 16, 2011, 01:57:07 AM »
Great minds think alike, really great minds think outside 'the box'.  The rest come up with this stuff... :P :P :P
A computer once beat me at chess - but as it turns out it was no match for me at kickboxing... ;)

Offline Karmanistic

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Re: Horrible Logos...bet he's rich!!!
« Reply #18 on: December 17, 2011, 01:03:52 AM »
FIVE DOLLARS???

I'll do it for $3.50, in color, and I'll throw in a bad jingle for FREE*






*processing charges may apply, offer void in New Hampshire
-(\(\-------(\__/)----
( =':')-----(>'.'<)---
(..(")(")---(")_(")---
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▌▌▌  ▌▌  ▌▌▌  ▌▌   ▌▌▌

Offline papaG

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"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, an hour, a day or a year but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." - Lance Armstrong

http://www.myspace.com/papagproject

Offline Joom

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Re: Clapton fans....cringe
« Reply #20 on: December 17, 2011, 09:05:38 PM »
I don't know, kinda makes you want to jam with them, doesn't it?

Just think how good they could make somebody else look... :P
A computer once beat me at chess - but as it turns out it was no match for me at kickboxing... ;)

Offline Smurf

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Re: Clapton fans....cringe
« Reply #21 on: December 17, 2011, 09:14:56 PM »
OUCH!  :P

That hurts worse than this classic... 8)

Question,

Offline papaG

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Because I care about all of you...
« Reply #22 on: December 17, 2011, 10:57:12 PM »
An evening out during the holidays? Please, take care of yourself.
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and
the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by the assholes who drink bottled water,
Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and shit like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is brought to you by someone who worries about your safety.
Wishing you all the very best in 2012 8)
"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, an hour, a day or a year but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." - Lance Armstrong

http://www.myspace.com/papagproject

Offline papaG

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Re: Clapton fans....cringe
« Reply #23 on: December 17, 2011, 11:03:19 PM »
And these are not the only ones.... :o :o :o
"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, an hour, a day or a year but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." - Lance Armstrong

http://www.myspace.com/papagproject

Offline Joom

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Re: Because I care about all of you...
« Reply #24 on: December 17, 2011, 11:08:06 PM »
Actually, 23% of all accidents are alcohol related.  28% of all accidents happen with 3 miles of home.  And 34% of all accidents happen at speeds of 32mph or less.

So, statistically, you have less chance of being in an accident if you drink, drive like hell, and stay away from home... ;) 8)
A computer once beat me at chess - but as it turns out it was no match for me at kickboxing... ;)

Offline Joom

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Re: Clapton fans....cringe
« Reply #25 on: December 17, 2011, 11:10:59 PM »
OUCH!  :P

That hurts worse than this classic... 8)

Oh, I don't know.  The singer gives me something to aspire to... ;)
A computer once beat me at chess - but as it turns out it was no match for me at kickboxing... ;)

Offline papaG

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Re: Clapton fans....cringe
« Reply #26 on: December 17, 2011, 11:30:55 PM »
Quote
The singer gives me something to aspire to...

Joom, your meds.... :P
"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, an hour, a day or a year but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." - Lance Armstrong

http://www.myspace.com/papagproject

Offline Joom

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Re: Clapton fans....cringe
« Reply #27 on: December 18, 2011, 01:44:48 AM »
Joom, your meds.... :P

 :P :P :P

Can't find them, G, I know I left them around here somewhere... ???
A computer once beat me at chess - but as it turns out it was no match for me at kickboxing... ;)

Offline Schprocket

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Re: Clapton fans....cringe
« Reply #28 on: December 18, 2011, 03:07:55 AM »
J, at least (a) you aspire to the right key and (b) you have a sense of timing... you leave this pair for dead... I dod dig the casiotone in the Final Countdown.

The Clapton tribute band just goes to show that the sum of all equal part does not equal a greater whole when they are all playing like they are in different time-zones... :)
...they discovered only a small asteroid inhabited by a solitary old man who claimed repeatedly that nothing was true, though he was later discovered to be lying.

Offline Combobob

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Re: Clapton fans....cringe
« Reply #29 on: December 18, 2011, 03:10:49 AM »
Hope Clapton never hears this....

I thought it was JJ Cale who did this??

Either way, that was terrible....and as for The Final Countdown...we haven't laughed that much for years.
My son is still songing it...

 :P :P :P
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Offline 9

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Re: Clapton fans....cringe
« Reply #30 on: December 18, 2011, 03:14:14 AM »
Hmmmmm, great drum kit [check], awesome guitars [check], nice PA [check], .....TALENT ?? ................guess they couldnt get that crate of the truck!! ;D ;D

Offline way2lon

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Re: Clapton fans....cringe
« Reply #31 on: December 18, 2011, 07:11:38 AM »
That's definitely down to the drummer  :-X or guitarist  :-X or bassman  :-X or, it could be the singer too.  :o
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Offline BikerBabe

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Re: Clapton fans....cringe
« Reply #32 on: December 18, 2011, 08:47:52 AM »
Ha!  This makes me sound as if I actually almost can sing!  :P
"Tomorrow never yet on any human being rose or set."
-- William Marsden

Offline agradeleous

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Re: Because I care about all of you...
« Reply #33 on: December 18, 2011, 11:19:33 AM »
HAHAHAHAHAHA made my day with this news !  ;D

Offline Smurf

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Re: Clapton fans....cringe
« Reply #34 on: December 18, 2011, 01:07:19 PM »
My son is still songing it...

Let's hope that he is better than the video...wait a min, I KNOW he's better than the video!!!! :P ;)

Do ya thing he would have stayed in key if he would have stood still? 8)
Question,